Lovable Labels BlogHer’ 11 Getaway Contest

Job Specifications for Position in Local Household

Position Title: Mom, Mommy, Mother, Momma, or Mooooooommmmmmmmmy! (This is not a complete list.  Please consult your own language for your title)

Qualifications/Knowledge: This topic has the potential for being controversial, but ultimately, no knowledge is absolutely necessary.  All that is really required is an X chromosome, although literacy is a plus.

Skills/Duties/Responsibilities:

• Provide unconditional love for the duration of position.
• Tolerant of public humiliation, but take solace in the fact you will be able to return the favor in the teenage years.
• Must answer the same question repeatedly within a 5 minute period.
• Teach child(ren) the dangers of the world without making them wimps.
• Must fully brainwash child(ren) into thinking like you.
• Must allow child to express themselves.  Good example: Let child dress in different shoes and go to the grocery store.  Bad example: Let child scream at the top of their lungs in grocery store.
• Must be willing to watch the same movie/t.v. show over and over.
• Must listen to unsolicited advice from family, friends, and strangers.
• Sunny disposition is preferred.
• Be able to be puked on without puking on child.
• Change feces filled diapers.  So filled, in fact, that the feces goes up the child’s back and down the child’s legs.
• Speaking of feces, you will need to be well versed in how to clean it off of clothes/cribs/bathtubs/floors/walls/car upholstery, and any other object within the child’s reach when/if the child decides to use said feces as finger paint.
• You will be on call 24 hours/day, 7 days/week, 365 days/year.  This includes overnight travel.  If you cannot commit to this, you need not apply.
• This is not always a well liked position.  You will have eyes rolled at you, be yelled at, walked away from in mid-sentence, and, in general, ignored.  
• Must take responsibility for how child(ren) in your care contribute (or not) to society and must not blame outside sources for failure.
• Must be proficient in (or willing to learn) assembling/repairing any and all child’s toys, gadgets, games, etc. (or marry someone who is willing to be responsible for this area of the child’s upbringing).
• Must not care what the Jones’ are doing with their children and/or allow that to influence what you do with yours.
• Must do your own research when it comes to the health of your child(ren) and not assume what the Jones’ are doing is the best (or worst) thing for a child.
• Must organize multiple tasks per child/per week/per day.
• Must get child to events at a reasonable time in relation to the beginning time of said event.  Child must not be the first nor the last person to be dropped off/picked up.  If an event is from 6-8pm.  It would be acceptable to drop off child at 6:08 and pick up child at 8:05.  In general, you are safe as long as you are within a 15 minute window you can stay within without being rude to the event coordinator.
• Must be willing to have other job titles other than those labeled above in ‘Position Title’.  They will include, but are not limited to: Housekeeper, Dry Cleaner, Household Manager, Personal Assistant, Teacher (this may be either a full time or part time decision and that decision is one that will be left up to your discretion), Doctor/nurse, Boo Boo fixer, Chef, Personal Shopper, Booger Picker, Social Coordinator, Hairdresser, Lifestyle Coach, and Spiritual Advisor.

Work Experience: Prior experience would certainly be helpful, but the irony is that prior experience is not available.  On the job training will be provided on a self taught basis.

Compensation/Benefits: You get paid nothing in the monetary sense, BUT you will get all the hugs and kisses that you earn/deserve and some that you don’t earn/deserve.  This will continue until child is in his/her teenage years at which point you will only receive the ones you earn/deserve and sometimes (a lot of times) you won’t even receive those.  You will also need to pay a lump sum when child is 18 in the hopes they will receive a college education and get a good job so that he/she can then take care of you in the unfortunate case that you can no longer do it on your own.  Then, when you die, it is customary (although not required) that you leave the child(ren) any additional money/possessions that you have not already given them.

Note: This will be a long term position.  You will need to be able to commit to at least 18 years.

It is also important to note that many women do not perform the duties listed above.  If you witness such inaction, please refer to what is stated in ‘Qualifications/Knowledge’.

This post was written for the Lovable Labels Blog Her' 11 Contest.